Testing, testing...is this thing on?

It's January 18th, 2008. The last six months have had me tucking in my "turtle head" and waiting for things to blow over, calm down, resolve themselves, etc. I've received so many emails, voice messages and the like from familiar and familial cherished forms of life who actually know how to thrive and stay socially connected regardless of what life dishes out. What they all have in common (besides excellent coping skills) is the concern for my whereabouts and whatabouts.

Though I've always had phone anxiety, it's now spilled over into my email...which used to be a bit more reliable way of reaching me.

So, I want you...the lovely, caring person who gives me plenty of leeway to ignore, insult, concern and abuse you and your generous spirit, to know that I love you.

The words written here are meant to slough off some of the cranial overflow I experience in snowballing proportions at times...which causes me to exhibit reclusive behavior. For me, it feels peaceful, calm. I listen to good music and work on various accounting projects. I work on winding up situations that have consumed my time and energy. I daydream about reclaiming my creative self. For you, it feels like I've dropped off of the face of the earth.

Though I seem to be suffering stress (a little more than usual), I'm avoiding a mental breakdown largely in part because I "check out". I don't answer my phone when it rings, or listen to the resulting voice mail messages. If I miss a day of reading my emails, it quickly dooms them to the bottom of the unending stream of incoming messages and out of my field of view (which remarkably resembles being deleted). While I continue to work on developing the art of saying no in person, I've already mastered the art of saying no before I hear the question. My method has this all happen seamlessly. I wouldn't call it passive/aggressive behavior, I'd call it passive/passive behavior...I mean no harm and am merely protecting my calm.

This behavior really shouldn't be inflicted on those who just want to catch up with their friend and aren't calling with an "action item", and I realize that. It's unfair and inconsiderate. The problem with "catching up" is where to begin in my lengthy list and whether I want to hear myself repeat the details of my frenetic life out loud. I prefer to protect others from the quirky activities that have somehow been normalized in my world. I could attempt deception and say "Oh, same 'ol same 'ol", but I have no poker face/voice and would quickly get coerced into launching into my real-life implausible circumstances that make for an interesting tale. The truth is, my favorite conversation would be about you, your life, your family, your passion...it's been a long time since I've enjoyed you with abandon.

Oddly, during these hermity times I don't consciously feel depressed, bored, lonely or isolated. I feel peaceful, calm. The only emotion that worries me is my apathy regarding the worry I'm causing some people, even though apathy is quite useful when "checking out". Apathy facilitates the "guilt-free" factor that took years to perfect.

I am so grateful for you...make no mistake. I am so grateful for so many things. The quality friens and loving family who choose to stay in my life even after my behavior has inconvenienced and/or worried them gives me an unbelievably lucky feeling...and because I sometimes catch a fleeting glimpse of an email with your name in the "From" column before it cascades rapidly out of view, or see your number on my Caller ID, I know you check in once in a while. Seeing that, it registers that you are out there and okay. I like to believe that you are safe and happy...and I'm working on being available enough to find out for sure...xo