My Inner Circle - The Innerest

You are part of my inner circle, or you wouldn't be able to see this blog. But if you are someone who wonders where I am now and again, you may also wonder who really might know. I have disdain for the worry I cause people. The list of people who are consistently let in to my world (regardless of the mayhem that is underway) follows:

1. Jillian
2. Scott

My daughter's calls are answered without hesitation if I have my phone nearby, it has enough juice, it's on and if I can tell it's her. My husband enjoys the same experience. He and I are opposites in the phone arena. He still has the knee-jerk telephone etiquette of the 50s, where you break your toe getting out of the shower to answer the miraculous new convenience called the phone. I love that about him. He doesn't have Caller ID, and doesn't want it.

As high on the list as they are, they will also tell you that I am often unavailable to them too, since I sometimes turn off the ringer, forget to take my phone when I walk the dog, or leave it in the car when I'm on the mainland.

There they are...the innerest. The only way these two people can make a "circle" is if they hold hands and step back with bowed arms. Highly unlikely, since one is on the mainland and one is on the island, but they still qualify as the innerest.

From there, the hierarchy is very subjective depending on the caller's "maintenance" level, my history with the person, current projects and current preoccupation. Regardless of all of those things, if my anxiety level escalates the second I hear it ring, I will ignore it completely, and audibly blurt out "Ohhh no." I won't even care to see what the caller ID says or if a message was left. Peace and calm, so easily restored.

Since you are among the truly loved, you are actually more likely to lack convenient access than less familiar people in my life who actually require my input for one reason or another. I know you, and trust that we'll still know and love each other regardless of infrequent contact. I feel this way because you've already apparently accepted me as I am, and forgiven me again and again. (~thank you~)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Okay, six months of living has stirred up a lot of frenetic activity and whatnots...where to begin?

The Good:

1. Olive's toe cancer is "gone". No more treatments or doctor's appointments.
2. I got my first passport ever! A trip to the Galapagos that Karin and I fantasized about last year is happening in a month!
3. Bev is doing great, as usual. She's making daily sandwiches for the contractor and crew who are doing some remodeling for us on the hill in Laguna.
4. I optomistically started a corporation to accomodate a new business idea, a mainland shopping service for islanders called Best of Overtown. I can hardly wait to actually run this business.
5. After almost forty years, Sheryl quit smoking in June.
6. My nephew, Sam, who has been on the "list" for a kidney for eight years, received a kidney transplant yesterday! He looks great, according to Jillian, who flew up last night to see him.
7. Bev got a new deck, Scott's house got a new kitchen and deck.
8. We're remodeling the Descanso duplex (on the island).
9. Construction, er...destruction has begun on the big house on the island. Construction to follow shortly.
10. Scott is learning to use Mass Transit! He took the bus from L.A. to Orange County, with a few mishaps, but eventual success.
11. The fire on the island destroyed very little of the city of Avalon.
12. Our faith in hard work and honesty was validated by the successful operation of the island store we were trying to help/save, by two locals who had no experience running a store. They were amazing and resilient and successful.
    

The Bad:

1. Like an idiot, in May, I optimistically tried to launch a business without any real quality time to do so.
2. Sheryl had a heart attack in June.
3. Sheryl has gallbladder issues as well.
4. Johnny left for Iraq again this week. He is expected to stay for 13 months this time, but we're hoping for an earlier return.
5. Scott's mother had a stroke, was hospitalized for two weeks, but is recovering nicely, though shaken by the "mortality factor".
6. As of the last few weeks, the stock market is very volatile and unpredictable...very stressful for Scott. But that item should really be put under The Good too, because it works both ways.
7. The reality of disrespectful, bigoted, selfish and dishonest types revealed itself while trying to do something good... Scott's mantra, "Err on the side of kindness" was very difficult to maintain at times. Six months of another hard lesson learned.

The Ugly:

1. In August, a long-time family friend was "abducted" by "friends of his", consuming months of time and energy with court matters. His trust protected him, but it took our personal money in legal fees, hassle with court dates, as well as a lot of emotional damage just to protect him.

Testing, testing...is this thing on?

It's January 18th, 2008. The last six months have had me tucking in my "turtle head" and waiting for things to blow over, calm down, resolve themselves, etc. I've received so many emails, voice messages and the like from familiar and familial cherished forms of life who actually know how to thrive and stay socially connected regardless of what life dishes out. What they all have in common (besides excellent coping skills) is the concern for my whereabouts and whatabouts.

Though I've always had phone anxiety, it's now spilled over into my email...which used to be a bit more reliable way of reaching me.

So, I want you...the lovely, caring person who gives me plenty of leeway to ignore, insult, concern and abuse you and your generous spirit, to know that I love you.

The words written here are meant to slough off some of the cranial overflow I experience in snowballing proportions at times...which causes me to exhibit reclusive behavior. For me, it feels peaceful, calm. I listen to good music and work on various accounting projects. I work on winding up situations that have consumed my time and energy. I daydream about reclaiming my creative self. For you, it feels like I've dropped off of the face of the earth.

Though I seem to be suffering stress (a little more than usual), I'm avoiding a mental breakdown largely in part because I "check out". I don't answer my phone when it rings, or listen to the resulting voice mail messages. If I miss a day of reading my emails, it quickly dooms them to the bottom of the unending stream of incoming messages and out of my field of view (which remarkably resembles being deleted). While I continue to work on developing the art of saying no in person, I've already mastered the art of saying no before I hear the question. My method has this all happen seamlessly. I wouldn't call it passive/aggressive behavior, I'd call it passive/passive behavior...I mean no harm and am merely protecting my calm.

This behavior really shouldn't be inflicted on those who just want to catch up with their friend and aren't calling with an "action item", and I realize that. It's unfair and inconsiderate. The problem with "catching up" is where to begin in my lengthy list and whether I want to hear myself repeat the details of my frenetic life out loud. I prefer to protect others from the quirky activities that have somehow been normalized in my world. I could attempt deception and say "Oh, same 'ol same 'ol", but I have no poker face/voice and would quickly get coerced into launching into my real-life implausible circumstances that make for an interesting tale. The truth is, my favorite conversation would be about you, your life, your family, your passion...it's been a long time since I've enjoyed you with abandon.

Oddly, during these hermity times I don't consciously feel depressed, bored, lonely or isolated. I feel peaceful, calm. The only emotion that worries me is my apathy regarding the worry I'm causing some people, even though apathy is quite useful when "checking out". Apathy facilitates the "guilt-free" factor that took years to perfect.

I am so grateful for you...make no mistake. I am so grateful for so many things. The quality friens and loving family who choose to stay in my life even after my behavior has inconvenienced and/or worried them gives me an unbelievably lucky feeling...and because I sometimes catch a fleeting glimpse of an email with your name in the "From" column before it cascades rapidly out of view, or see your number on my Caller ID, I know you check in once in a while. Seeing that, it registers that you are out there and okay. I like to believe that you are safe and happy...and I'm working on being available enough to find out for sure...xo